Soylent Oshawa

Today something really amazing happened, and I swear to God this is all true.

I was having lunch in a local Oshawa Greasy Spoon, and the guy sitting next to me looked up from his copy of the Toronto Sun and struck up a conversation about Canadian Politics. Sort of.

This isn't something I EVER want to do with someone from Oshawa. I wanted nothing more than to escape, but I was faced with the reality of having to abandon my freshly served cheeseburger to do so.

He was about 25, smelled funny, wore a sideways baseball cap and had the remnants of a black eye. Not surprisingly, he started telling me that he moved from Toronto to get away from *ahem* we'll say "non-whites". He thinks it would be better for Canada if non-whites were deported upon committing any crime. So I ask him where they would be deported to, and he says they should all go back to Africa or Pakistan, followed by the cookie-cutter rant about this “being my country” and so on. I suppose he gets some kind of award for honesty.

Trying not to be too confrontational, I ask where do you deport them to if they're Canadian citizens, and their families had been Canadians for generations?

After a blank stare, he comes back with an answer that even astounds me. He says they should all be executed, and not only that, but the President isn't doing a good job keeping "non-whites" out of the country.

First, I almost ask him if he means that Canada should have a policy like the German Nazis had in the 1930’s and 40’s. But I’m caught off guard by something else. I ask him, "The President of the United States?"

He says, "No, but him too I guess."

I shake my head in confusion. "Who are you talking about then?" I ask. "Which President apparently isn't doing a good job keeping out immigrants out?"

"The President." He says.

"We don't have a President in Canada."

"Sure we do." He says. "We got one of those here, don't we?"
I realize now that having a political discussion with this guy is going to be about as fun as trying to remove my own teeth with a hammer.

"We have a Prime Minister.” I explain. “Steven Harper. He is the leader of our country."

"Oh, right." He nods in agreement. "He's the President, right?"

"No, he's the Prime Minister." I say. "America has a President as the leader of their country."

"But you're trying to change the subject.” He says. “Whoever it is, he ain't doing a good job keeping out..." And so on. He lost my attention at this point. I looked down at the newspaper in front of him. The Sunshine girl stared back. I wondered if this guy could even read at all, and if so, what had they taught him in school? And if I happened ask him to comment on the importance of Canadian foreign trade to our gross domestic product, will he shut his fuckin yapper?

I peer down at the burger patty and get a shock when the strange idea that it’s made out of human flesh flashes through my mind. Then I snap out of it.

With the guy still rambling on, I put my burger back on the plate, paid and walked out.

He reminded me a bit of the guy from Oshawa who thought the sun and the moon were the same thing, and that the sun just went out at night and became the moon. Also a true story.

Whether I like it or not, "the rotten" seems to follow me around like a bad case of the shits. Or maybe it’s my problem for stepping in it all the time. In any case, it’s so amazing and often unbelievable that I HAVE to write about it.

People have to know what's happening here, even if it makes them sick. There are a lot of great people and a lot of great things happening here, and it would be great to write about that. But the real story of Oshawa is the quality and sheer amount of rotten here, and this is one tiny example of it.
One thing got me thinking. The guy I met today clearly believes that extermination of non-whites is the answer to his problems. Then I started thinking that it might be a good idea to try the idea out, only we would use Oshawa as a test subject: Every citizen of the republic of Oshawa will be turned into food for the better good of humanity!

Two words for our beloved mayor John Gray: Soylent Green. The local government clearly needs a few ideas to spruce things up around here. So why not start by making some of us into food? I'm cool with that, as long as I know ahead of the collection...I'll be first in line to try Soylent Oshawa. I bet it tastes like chicken!

Oshawa: Prepare to be amazed that you're about to be food.