OSHAWA MAYORAL RACE HEATS UP!

The young gentleman pictured here is the reported new frontrunner for Mayor of Oshawa! I'll have to update when confirmation comes in, but the rumours look justified! You may be looking at Oshawa's new Mayor!
If this file photo is an indication of things to come, Billy Bunion-Baxter is clearly ready to fix things around here. Look at the focus on his face when he gazes at the Oshawa flag!
Perliminary reports on his platform include a reported crayon-eating contest followed by boobie-squeezing-Wednesdays (his boobies?)
Bunion-Baxter seems almost over-qualified for the job. Regardless, he really gives Oshawa something to look forward to: having a a new set of hands on the wheel of the sinking ship!
Naturally, he gets Borriffick's full endorsement for Mayor of Oshawa.

File photo from the 33rd Anual Throw-Some-Corn-At-The-Horses-Day 2010, Oshawa, Ontario, May 4th 2010

Soylent Oshawa

Today something really amazing happened, and I swear to God this is all true.

I was having lunch in a local Oshawa Greasy Spoon, and the guy sitting next to me looked up from his copy of the Toronto Sun and struck up a conversation about Canadian Politics. Sort of.

This isn't something I EVER want to do with someone from Oshawa. I wanted nothing more than to escape, but I was faced with the reality of having to abandon my freshly served cheeseburger to do so.

He was about 25, smelled funny, wore a sideways baseball cap and had the remnants of a black eye. Not surprisingly, he started telling me that he moved from Toronto to get away from *ahem* we'll say "non-whites". He thinks it would be better for Canada if non-whites were deported upon committing any crime. So I ask him where they would be deported to, and he says they should all go back to Africa or Pakistan, followed by the cookie-cutter rant about this “being my country” and so on. I suppose he gets some kind of award for honesty.

Trying not to be too confrontational, I ask where do you deport them to if they're Canadian citizens, and their families had been Canadians for generations?

After a blank stare, he comes back with an answer that even astounds me. He says they should all be executed, and not only that, but the President isn't doing a good job keeping "non-whites" out of the country.

First, I almost ask him if he means that Canada should have a policy like the German Nazis had in the 1930’s and 40’s. But I’m caught off guard by something else. I ask him, "The President of the United States?"

He says, "No, but him too I guess."

I shake my head in confusion. "Who are you talking about then?" I ask. "Which President apparently isn't doing a good job keeping out immigrants out?"

"The President." He says.

"We don't have a President in Canada."

"Sure we do." He says. "We got one of those here, don't we?"
I realize now that having a political discussion with this guy is going to be about as fun as trying to remove my own teeth with a hammer.

"We have a Prime Minister.” I explain. “Steven Harper. He is the leader of our country."

"Oh, right." He nods in agreement. "He's the President, right?"

"No, he's the Prime Minister." I say. "America has a President as the leader of their country."

"But you're trying to change the subject.” He says. “Whoever it is, he ain't doing a good job keeping out..." And so on. He lost my attention at this point. I looked down at the newspaper in front of him. The Sunshine girl stared back. I wondered if this guy could even read at all, and if so, what had they taught him in school? And if I happened ask him to comment on the importance of Canadian foreign trade to our gross domestic product, will he shut his fuckin yapper?

I peer down at the burger patty and get a shock when the strange idea that it’s made out of human flesh flashes through my mind. Then I snap out of it.

With the guy still rambling on, I put my burger back on the plate, paid and walked out.

He reminded me a bit of the guy from Oshawa who thought the sun and the moon were the same thing, and that the sun just went out at night and became the moon. Also a true story.

Whether I like it or not, "the rotten" seems to follow me around like a bad case of the shits. Or maybe it’s my problem for stepping in it all the time. In any case, it’s so amazing and often unbelievable that I HAVE to write about it.

People have to know what's happening here, even if it makes them sick. There are a lot of great people and a lot of great things happening here, and it would be great to write about that. But the real story of Oshawa is the quality and sheer amount of rotten here, and this is one tiny example of it.
One thing got me thinking. The guy I met today clearly believes that extermination of non-whites is the answer to his problems. Then I started thinking that it might be a good idea to try the idea out, only we would use Oshawa as a test subject: Every citizen of the republic of Oshawa will be turned into food for the better good of humanity!

Two words for our beloved mayor John Gray: Soylent Green. The local government clearly needs a few ideas to spruce things up around here. So why not start by making some of us into food? I'm cool with that, as long as I know ahead of the collection...I'll be first in line to try Soylent Oshawa. I bet it tastes like chicken!

Oshawa: Prepare to be amazed that you're about to be food.

Borriffick for Hire

Dear Sir or Madam of Shyster & Associates:

My name is Borriffick, and I am writing today to inform you I will be working for your company. In my experience I have learned that when you want something in life, you often have to take the second or third-best option by the horns and ride that fucker. Your company IS that third-best option, and I will start clocking in on Monday afternoon whether I’m on payroll yet or not.

I believe in honesty at all times. This is why I must inform you that I don't like your face at all, and the only reason I am considering a job with your company is because I'm getting tired of staying alive by eating old dog shit I find in the back of my cupboard.

I may be grossly overqualified for the job, but that doesn't matter...I won't be doing much while I'm on the clock anyway. Like every other FOR-profit business our company was founded on capitalism, and I wouldn't want to taint that by doing anything the non-American way.

The first time I considered this profession was last Sunday when I saw your lovely advertisement in the classified section of the paper. It's a good thing it was in the paper edition of the paper because I was too hung over to deal with a computer monitor.

The bottom line is, I simply can’t go back to chugging cock for a living, not to mention the government threatening me with jail for not collecting GST from my clients (you’re in business…you know how the government loses its mind when you don’t give them a cut!) A job with your company means I get to keep my apartment and not have to live down in that parking lot where the guy touches me where my bathing suit covers.

As a side note, I looked up a picture of your CEO on the internet, and might I say, she has a great set of cans! Please be sure to send her a memo.

I’m looking forward to begin collecting a regular paycheck starting Monday. Just to forewarn, I had to sell all my normal clothes for an assless clown suit, a nurse costume and a schoolgirl outfit…I see you don’t have a dress code for your office, so I will be rotating these three costumes until I can afford something else.

Sincerely,

Borriffick

Ps. Attached below are the references you requested.

How to Fix Oshawa's Bad Attitude

Today, for the first time in my life, I realized that if everyone in Oshawa was armed, we would have a nicer place to drive, and ultimately live in a more pleasant city. This is a strange realization coming from someone who generally despises the idea of arming every drooling idiot who lives here because, simply put, if people here had guns, they would use them. However, in Oshawa, is it a bad thing if people kill each other?

"My name is John Gray, and Oshawa is Awesome"

Consider for a minute if the bad driver in front of you was probably armed. Would you still drive your truck around them at full throttle while flipping the bird and calling him an asshole? I wouldn't. And would you step on the gas and try to run over the pedestrians crossing the street ahead if you knew they might shoot out your windshield? No way.

On the way home today, I saw a guy in a "souped-up" Caviler pull out of a plaza in front of an SUV. The fat lady in the SUV had to slow down as not to smash into the obviously Oshawa made car and flip him the bird and yell stuff out her window. This kind of thing happens to me every time I drive, and anyone who lives here can relate. I started thinking about why this happens, and I believe it comes from being angry at strangers in the city. (Wouldn't you be angry at random strangers in the city if every stranger was a professional, practicing asshole?)

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One thing I notice more and more is that Oshawa is just like a southern US town, except almost everyone here is an asshole, whereas in a southern US town people are generally really great…dumb maybe, but super-people. Most people in Oshawa are dumb AND assholes, a terrible combo. Plus you can throw in high poverty, total conservative white-trash fascism and more single-moms and welfare cheques than you can shake a stick at. This may sound like many places in the American South, but the one redeeming quality of the American South is that they’re really great, amazing people (unless perhaps you are the 0.5% of the population that is considered rich, then you’re probably an asshole).

Eddie Jr. is a cigarette butt collector by trade but also gives a mean massage.
He spends much of his time outside the elementary school, and hopes to one day complete grade 6.

If you're going to the South for the first time, you will notice that almost everyone is pleasant. This may not seem like a big deal in theory, but when you actually experience it, it is very refreshing, and it makes you want to be pleasant back, ie. the snowball effect.

If we all picked up and plopped down in the middle of the Carolinas, we'd have to change our attitude towards our fellow man, or else we'd find the tires of our trucks shot out pretty fast. Simply put, people in the South won't put up with that shit, and it's only a matter of time before that behavior is corrected.

Mary-Brenda-Sue, 22, of Oshawa, claims to have eaten 137 pieces of Kentucky Fried Chicken in one sitting.

I'm not going to get into the reasons WHY people are assholes here in Oshawa. That is a whole other can of worms. And I don’t want to get into how the roads are in embarrassing condition compared to our American friends. However, I don't think we can correct our bad behavior using kid gloves or subtleties. We need drastic change using drastic measures. Like giving people here the right to carry guns, and importantly, have those people use them.

Worst-case scenario, it takes a year or two for the natural selection process to work its course. Then, when many of the main offenders are either in jail for murder or dead, the rest of us can live in harmony (because of fear) with each other.

In conclusion, I believe the only way to fix Oshawa's bad behavior is to let people kill each other and/or end up in jail, thus making people fear each other into being civil.

The new GMC Shit, made in Oshawa, Ontario

I'm definitely not trying to say that guns make people nice to each other. What I'm trying to say is that giving everyone in Oshawa guns is the only way to fix the attitude problem we have here.

We are almost identical to Americans of the South other than our horrible attitude. If we include the last missing ingredient into the mix (guns), it’s possible we can learn be nicer to each other, at least after people start getting shot for being assholes. Oshawa obviously loves America more than anything else, so it shouldn’t be hard to implement laws allowing people to have guns a lot easier. I believe the only way to turn Oshawa’s frown upside-down is to let people shoot the crap out of each other for a while.